Being unable to be with my zebra while he is in the hospital has been difficult. I am very much a caregiver, always have been. When he was first diagnosed and admitted into the hospital two years ago, I spent every available moment by his side. It was exhausting and stressful and my body and mind definitely took a hit. But it was how I felt I was contributing to him getting healthy.
Remember, we’d been together for less than a year and I learned some things about him during those months of hospital and rehab that hurt me deeply. We were still learning to trust each other.
And by we, I mean him.
I am very much a feet first person. I’d chosen to give this relationship thing a shot and I was all in. I also had no responsibilities and ties from any previous relationships. Looking back, I definitely came in with less baggage.
There was only ever one time I really questioned if this was what I wanted and it had nothing to do with his cancer and everything to do with him.
I think it’s important to make that distinction. I never once questioned whether or not I loved him enough to get through this. Relationship issues don’t stop just because one of you is sick. I’m just lucky that I got a few months to be with him without the cancer. To see what we are like when there are no worries, when every word or touch brings with it a new side to someone you are thinking forever about. Nine months isn’t a long time to get to know someone but it was enough to know I wanted to be there now.
We’ve been lucky. His cancer responded well to treatment the second time around – but I’m getting ahead of myself…
I started this post because I’m lying in bed, alone and lonely and missing my partner fiercely. Feeling useless and helpless because I can’t be with him.
Goodnight babe. I love you more than pizza and books.