We finally had the conversation that I’ve been dreading since we first learned that my partner had cancer. The, “if you fall into a coma, what do you want me to do?” conversation.

If you become unconscious, do you want them to perform CPR?

If you become unconscious and stop breathing, do you want them to intubate?

Asking those questions meant admitting that he might not grow old with me. That this invisible enemy might win, not someday in the distant future but sooner. It meant that I would maybe have to make a decision for him before I knew him so well that I didn’t even have to ask.

He isn’t doing well and we received some very bad news today. After speaking with his oncologist, we realized it was time to start putting a few things in order.

I am just heartbroken and all I want is to know that he is still in this world. Alive and well and able to tell me he loves me as often as I need to hear it.