Life Definitions: One Year Later

My dad and I when I was 6

And I can’t stop thinking of my dad. If he has food to eat, a place to live…if he’s okay.

I haven’t heard from him for months and while I try not to talk about it or show that it bothers me, it scares me like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s amazing how much I care for a man whose face I can’t even picture in my head. No matter what I say about him, he still makes up half of who I am. And I love him for that alone.

And on today of all days, the thought that he might not be okay hits home harder than you can imagine.

No one can even find him…I’m used to him falling off the face of the earth every once in a while, but he’s been very good about keeping in contact with me for the last six years.

I need to know that he’s okay…

Life Definitions: The Wedding Dress, The Wii and Everything Inbetween!

We found it! The dress, so now basically, the wedding planning is half done! lol…

Next up, my Maid of Honor dress. Lord I hope fuchsia looks good on me because that’s my color, people…fuchsia. When I tell you that I love my cousin, just remember that color and you’ll be able to imagine just how deep that love goes.

And on that note, my Wii (did I tell you I got one?) workouts have been fantastic. I can feel the difference its making in my life. I will look fantastic in August.

I also have a secret, but I won’t tell until I know for sure that its something I’m going to seriously do. I will keep you posted on those developments in the next month or so.

Now, about my Wii…

Super Mario Bros, the second best selling vide...
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It is fantastic, wonderful, amazing and RED! I got the Super Mario Brothers with it, and although I am ashamed to admit that I died 4 times before I got to the second world, I have improved! What I need is someone to come and help me play…I’m on the level where the scary music starts to play…idk about all that…so I called it a day right then and there.

I also have Just Dance 2 (JD2) and the MJ Experience (MJE), oh and Wii Sports (WiiS). JD2 is what I’m using to burn some calories. They have this awesome sweat mode that allows you to keep track of how much “sweat” you’re losing and gives you goals to reach each day. I’m now on 1000 a day.

And I’m proud to say, that I went from age 80 to 37 in a week on WiiS. I love the tennis mode and am even thinking about learning in RL. I’m definitely going to give myself the sport pack if no one else does.

Misc:

Work is good, home is good, life is getting better by the minute. I finally said goodbye to a chapter in my life that has caused me pain for some time now. I’m not truly %100 committed to giving it up though. I feel one really good convincing conversation is all it will take to get me right back where I was, but I want to move on so badly! Hopefully, the person will respect my wishes and keep his distance…he doesn’t have a great track record for doing that.

But at least I made that first step, which has led to my little secret that I hope will turn out to be great news in the near future.

Life Definitions: My Mom

I can’t remember what year it was but I do remember knowing that she would appreciate this. Mommy would be happy that I did this. I wanted to show her that I loved her.

So I took out the sheets that we used to cover the portion of the carpet we slept on. First the cushion foam on the bottom, then the threadbare blue blanket, the sheet, two pillows and the final sheet to use as a cover. Afterward, I laid her slippers at the bottom of our makeshift bed. Then I waited. She would be coming home soon.

At the sound of the key in the lock, I run to hug her hello. Tell her that I love her and give her a big hug around her knees. I notice the tired lines around her eyes and mouth. I can see how hard she is trying to hold on to her smile for her baby girl.

I grab her hand into my much smaller one and gently tug her to the bedroom. I want to show her what her big girl can do. I want her to see how I got the order of the sheets right, I want her to see how I fluffed the pillows.  I want her to sit on the much higher bed next to ours while I help her take her shoes off and slip on her slippers. While she changes out of her home attendant uniform I rush to the kitchen and take out the glass of water I had placed in the fridge earlier.

She is pleased. Her smile holds itself a little better, a little wider, she hugs me again and I can see a watery reflection of myself when I look in her eyes. I’ve done good.

Happy birthday Mommy…

Life Definitions: My Grandma

Two years ago I sat down and tried to explain how much my grandfather meant to me. Two years ago, I had my entire future to look forward to…and then he died, and my grandmother had a stroke.

Now, two years later, she’s dying…

I’ve only ever known my maternal grandparents, which is fitting, since I barely know my father. When she is gone, I will have to go to Haiti.

The thought of my home country shouldn’t create a knot in my stomach, but it does. Haiti means my grandmother is gone, it means my dad is within reach, it means a complete 180 from what I know now.

I don’t want to go to Haiti, I don’t want to see my father and I certainly don’t want my grandma dead.

Edit: While writing this post, my grandmother passed away.

Earthquake in Haiti and my dad

My dad has not been heard from, and while on a normal day, that is no cause for alarm, it would be nice to hear from him. I can’t believe that after 21 years of being in this country and having no real interest in going back to Haiti, I now wish I had made that trip before this.

My absentee father means more to me than I have let myself believe. I love him and want him to be safe and well. My brain hasn’t quite processed the fact that he might not be ok. I have gone years without hearing from him. I don’t know…

I am racked with guilt for not doing more, not caring more, not being a more attentive daughter. What if I never get a chance to speak to him again? He loves me and to qoute my mom, “after his car, we were the most important things in his life.”

At the time, I thought that was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard, after his car? But I’ll take that as long as he’s alive.