Don’t really know what else to say after the heading. I joined Planet Fitness last night. Hopefully I stick to this for longer that 3 weeks. And also, I will be going to yoga with the cousin on Tuesday. I really need to get serious about losing this weight for the wedding. Although, I’m not too pressed.
I got my sister and cousin (who wedding it is) to promise to work out with me, which is great, because as family they will curse me out if I don’t go.
I will lose the weight and even better than I already do…I’m going to be the fliest bridesmaid ever.
I can’t remember what year it was but I do remember knowing that she would appreciate this. Mommy would be happy that I did this. I wanted to show her that I loved her.
So I took out the sheets that we used to cover the portion of the carpet we slept on. First the cushion foam on the bottom, then the threadbare blue blanket, the sheet, two pillows and the final sheet to use as a cover. Afterward, I laid her slippers at the bottom of our makeshift bed. Then I waited. She would be coming home soon.
At the sound of the key in the lock, I run to hug her hello. Tell her that I love her and give her a big hug around her knees. I notice the tired lines around her eyes and mouth. I can see how hard she is trying to hold on to her smile for her baby girl.
I grab her hand into my much smaller one and gently tug her to the bedroom. I want to show her what her big girl can do. I want her to see how I got the order of the sheets right, I want her to see how I fluffed the pillows. I want her to sit on the much higher bed next to ours while I help her take her shoes off and slip on her slippers. While she changes out of her home attendant uniform I rush to the kitchen and take out the glass of water I had placed in the fridge earlier.
She is pleased. Her smile holds itself a little better, a little wider, she hugs me again and I can see a watery reflection of myself when I look in her eyes. I’ve done good.
The fulfillment of this goal is bittersweet to me. It makes me question why I even put on the list in the first place.
My grandmother is dead, the country is in shambles and here I go…barely able to speak fluent Creole anymore and an aversion to hot sunlight…I’m going to fit right in ::eye roll::
I wish this trip was under different circumstances, I wish I could go and have my memory of my country match the reality. But sadly that can’t happen now and I’m afraid I will be hugely disappointed.
On a different note, I might see my father. And even now I wonder whether I should send word that I will be coming…I’m told he’s a good man. But that doesn’t make me feel any more excited to see him.
Two years ago I sat down and tried to explain how much my grandfather meant to me. Two years ago, I had my entire future to look forward to…and then he died, and my grandmother had a stroke.
Now, two years later, she’s dying…
I’ve only ever known my maternal grandparents, which is fitting, since I barely know my father. When she is gone, I will have to go to Haiti.
The thought of my home country shouldn’t create a knot in my stomach, but it does. Haiti means my grandmother is gone, it means my dad is within reach, it means a complete 180 from what I know now.
I don’t want to go to Haiti, I don’t want to see my father and I certainly don’t want my grandma dead.
Edit: While writing this post, my grandmother passed away.
So it’s been a week since I last took a yoga class. Which makes me feel like the only fat ASS! I went on a carbohydrate rampage this weekend and feel even worse.
I do like yoga. Afterward, despite the headache, I feel great. But during, feeling like someone is banging my head with a sledgehammer and getting nauseous is not sexy.
I need to figure out what I’m supposed to eat so I don’t pass out. I should also stretch on days when I don’t go to yoga, just to keep my body from stiffening up. I think I’ve had more aches and pains now than I ever did before I started.
Can yoga become addictive? Because it will be a fricking expensive ass drug…
I have a class at 6pm today, we shall see how well, or not, I do today.
As September quickly approaches I find myself thinking about the last two Septembers.
There are many people who tell me I should let it go, that not doing so is morbid and unhealthy. I say to those people, until you stand in my shoes and live in my skin, you have no idea what is healthy or not for me. It is not something I actively keep alive. It is a thought that will not go away, a seed that was planted and although the physical remains are gone, that scar in my soul is still fresh.
I don’t know whether its my religion that keeps me from forgetting or maybe its just the guilt of knowing that things could have been so different. Whatever the reason, Autumn and September especially, signify a sad time in my life. This month tests my strength and my will to live life, to love it and embrace it for what it is worth. How apropos that the Fall should symbolize my own.
All I can do is pray and keep hoping that with time and over time it will get easier to live and appreciate all that I have gained, or at least kept, because of my decisions.
September has always been such a lonely month for me. This is yet another chance to change that. I will do my best.
So today is my first day at work. I just got in at 9AM sharp! Not bad for me…after sitting and talking to my new boss, I was brought around and introduced to everyone…AAAHHHH. (It wasn’t so bad)
I have filled out my paperwork (mostly) and am officially an employee. All I have to do now is figure out how to do my work.
I have no idea where to start. The person who had my position previously was, let’s face it, amazing! She left me a binder with all the information I will need to not die a horrible painful death my first week here. Other than that, I have a brief view of what is upcoming in terms of events. I should be feeling pretty confident, but I think I’m going into overload.
My most pressing questions?
When’s lunch and how long do I get. I might go sit in front of the courthouse and bask in the sun for a bit. Walk around and find all the subway entrances and do all the things that I can’t do during rush hour.
I miss my old coworkers and my computer set up VERY MUCH right now, but I think by Nov. I might be able to talk them into giving me at least a bigger screen…if you can see in the photo, that blob of light is my monitor…yeah I know!! other than that, some extra desk space would be nice, as I like to have a lot of storage space.
Other than those small things (lol) I love it here so far!
I have to say, my coworkers are the BEST! And I am such a sucker…Even though I kind of thought I would a going away party, by 5pm I was ready to give up on that idea. So here I am, saying goodbye to the wonderful ladies in coat check, sitting in the Museum Store, talking to my cousin…and I get a phone call to come upstairs. On my way up, I see Johnny…that should have been hint number 1!
So I get upstairs and Eduardo brings me to the hallway to get some “books” (hint number 2)…I open the door…and it is all my coworkers…standing in ambush for me with sweet goodbyes and red velvet cake…I mean…could a girl ask for a better last day than this? Lunch with my awesome development team members and the RED VELVET CAKE with the rest of my coworkers??
And they can keep a secret like no one’s business!
Sometimes, I question my common sense, I mean really. For everyone to be gone before 5pm? But I really wasn’t expecting that AT ALL. As I sit here and write this post about how wonderful and influential these women and men have been to me over the last two years, I find myself fighting tears.
They have helped me grow into a confident, professional woman, with the ability to be anything and do anything I want. I know I’ve said this before, but I cannot see myself working anywhere else these last two years.
You can accumulate a lot of stuff sitting in an office for two years. Now that I have to pack my things I find myself going stark raving mad…its like breaking up with a live-in partner and being the one that has to leave. With each new thing packed away a memory is relived. I will miss these people and this place…
So I woke up this morning super excited because today was to be the first day of my Bikram Yoga classes. Last night, as I was out to dinner, I realize that I can’t find my credit card. Thank God I had another one with me or I would have completely embarrassed myself in front of my friends.
I thought, maybe its at work or at home. I get to work…its not there. At this point, I am beyond annoyed, empty out my entire bag…nothing. So, no Bikram for me because I can’t register for the class. I have to wait a whole week to get a new card sent to me. Meanwhile, no yoga, no laundry, no nothing.
I am trying to stay upbeat, but its the small things that wear me down, you know? I’m ready for the weekend. Hopefully the quiet time will help me center myself and get some of that positive energy back.
sayTaïna 