So it’s been a while since I’ve written on here. I just want to say that I’ve had a new obsession that I am currently working through…
I’ve discovered my kitchen! And it has things I can use to make food with and I am fascinated by it. My Instagram is chock full of pictures of my cooking experiments. It’s kind of beautiful really, seeing something you made get shoved down someone’s mouth…(lovely image, no?)
Anyway, you’ll have to bear with me as I follow this through to the end. Although, I may just have to add a Food section to this blog!
In the meantime, if you’re on instagram, follow me to see all my beautiful foodie creations!
My dad is not okay. I didn’t realize it would hit home as hard as it has. He’s in the hospital, sick. With what? I don’t know. I have no one to contact to ask these things to. My mom left for Haiti this morning and I’m sitting on pins and needles, waiting for her to call and tell me what’s going on.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so sick and tired of people getting sick and dying around me. I am ill-equipped for all of this. I’ve lost my grandparents and now my dad, who’s no spring chicken, is so badly ill that he had to go to the hospital? I have never gotten a message about him being sick before. And I don’t know whether that’s been because they didn’t know how to contact me (highly unlikely) or because it was never serious enough to call me.
I just want to be reassured. That is all I’m asking for. I just want to know what’s going on so I can plan according…
I don’t know if this is a brand new topic or just a continuation of a previous blog about Haiti’s earthquake. I was devastated to hear what happened to my country over a year ago. I was worried about not hearing from my dad, about my dying grandmother having to live through that kind of terror. But all my worries and fears faded.
And then New York gets hit with an earthquake, a tremor, if we want to be honest. Lasted the whole of five minutes and then everyone went back to work. Continue reading →
And I can’t stop thinking of my dad. If he has food to eat, a place to live…if he’s okay.
I haven’t heard from him for months and while I try not to talk about it or show that it bothers me, it scares me like you wouldn’t believe.
It’s amazing how much I care for a man whose face I can’t even picture in my head. No matter what I say about him, he still makes up half of who I am. And I love him for that alone.
And on today of all days, the thought that he might not be okay hits home harder than you can imagine.
No one can even find him…I’m used to him falling off the face of the earth every once in a while, but he’s been very good about keeping in contact with me for the last six years.
Ok, so I hoped it was coming, but had truly given up on the idea that…wait, wait, wait…let me start from the beginning.
My cousin became engaged a few years back, and just this past year, she decided that she was ready to start planning her wedding. Of course, her cousins jumped at the opportunity to finally get this woman out of her mama’s house and into her own home (that and we’ve been itching for a wedding!)
The topic of the Bridal Party came about one train ride and I took for granted that I would be the maid of honor. Conceited, that I am…but to my surprise, it wasn’t a done deal. She didn’t know! How could you not know? (Did I mention I’m conceited?)
Anyway, this was back in July/August…
Last Saturday, October 23, 2010, I went out to dinner with her, her finance and the cousins and friends. To Carmine’s. And at the end of a wonderful dinner, she says, “there’s a reason we asked you to dinner. We have some news.”
Being who I am, I immediately thought, “Oh God, she’s pregnant.”
She started to take flowers from her bag and hand it out to everyone and when she came to me she gave me the prettiest bouquet of purple flowers…and a beautiful card with our picture on it and a message asking if I would be her maid of honor…
I gotta tell you, if being proposed to feels half as great as being asked to be the maid of honor…I can see the appeal of getting married a million times! Of course I said yes, and of course I teared up…I’m a sucker for sentimental moments.
And that’s my story. I will take a picture of the flowers and card later. This also means that there will be a lot of wedding related posts.
When I tell you I am grinning from ear to ear…I’m not exaggerating. I really am.
I’ve been at this job for 3 months now. When I first started, I had the tiniest monitor you could imagine. Suffice it to say, Titi was not happy. But I made do, I learned to not see the fact that I had books propping up to a decent level (not eye level, mind you, but decent). I learned not to notice that some of the web pages just overflowed when looking at them on the screen. I ignored the slowness and the freezing and all the other horrendous things that was happening to me because my computer was from 1998.
But then yesterday, Joe, our IT guy, says he will install my NEW COMPUTER tomorrow at noon. Well…I just about fainted right there by his desk.
So today, I came to work and decided I wouldn’t even think about, just in case it didn’t happen. I went out to lunch with the development team and when I came back, I noticed that there was something off about my desk.
My monitor was taking up more space!!!
Well, I flipped out, I pulled every employee I could find to show them the glorious, beautiful, wide screen of my computer.
I can’t remember what year it was but I do remember knowing that she would appreciate this. Mommy would be happy that I did this. I wanted to show her that I loved her.
So I took out the sheets that we used to cover the portion of the carpet we slept on. First the cushion foam on the bottom, then the threadbare blue blanket, the sheet, two pillows and the final sheet to use as a cover. Afterward, I laid her slippers at the bottom of our makeshift bed. Then I waited. She would be coming home soon.
At the sound of the key in the lock, I run to hug her hello. Tell her that I love her and give her a big hug around her knees. I notice the tired lines around her eyes and mouth. I can see how hard she is trying to hold on to her smile for her baby girl.
I grab her hand into my much smaller one and gently tug her to the bedroom. I want to show her what her big girl can do. I want her to see how I got the order of the sheets right, I want her to see how I fluffed the pillows. I want her to sit on the much higher bed next to ours while I help her take her shoes off and slip on her slippers. While she changes out of her home attendant uniform I rush to the kitchen and take out the glass of water I had placed in the fridge earlier.
She is pleased. Her smile holds itself a little better, a little wider, she hugs me again and I can see a watery reflection of myself when I look in her eyes. I’ve done good.
The fulfillment of this goal is bittersweet to me. It makes me question why I even put on the list in the first place.
My grandmother is dead, the country is in shambles and here I go…barely able to speak fluent Creole anymore and an aversion to hot sunlight…I’m going to fit right in ::eye roll::
I wish this trip was under different circumstances, I wish I could go and have my memory of my country match the reality. But sadly that can’t happen now and I’m afraid I will be hugely disappointed.
On a different note, I might see my father. And even now I wonder whether I should send word that I will be coming…I’m told he’s a good man. But that doesn’t make me feel any more excited to see him.
As September quickly approaches I find myself thinking about the last two Septembers.
There are many people who tell me I should let it go, that not doing so is morbid and unhealthy. I say to those people, until you stand in my shoes and live in my skin, you have no idea what is healthy or not for me. It is not something I actively keep alive. It is a thought that will not go away, a seed that was planted and although the physical remains are gone, that scar in my soul is still fresh.
I don’t know whether its my religion that keeps me from forgetting or maybe its just the guilt of knowing that things could have been so different. Whatever the reason, Autumn and September especially, signify a sad time in my life. This month tests my strength and my will to live life, to love it and embrace it for what it is worth. How apropos that the Fall should symbolize my own.
All I can do is pray and keep hoping that with time and over time it will get easier to live and appreciate all that I have gained, or at least kept, because of my decisions.
September has always been such a lonely month for me. This is yet another chance to change that. I will do my best.
So today is my first day at work. I just got in at 9AM sharp! Not bad for me…after sitting and talking to my new boss, I was brought around and introduced to everyone…AAAHHHH. (It wasn’t so bad)
I have filled out my paperwork (mostly) and am officially an employee. All I have to do now is figure out how to do my work.
I have no idea where to start. The person who had my position previously was, let’s face it, amazing! She left me a binder with all the information I will need to not die a horrible painful death my first week here. Other than that, I have a brief view of what is upcoming in terms of events. I should be feeling pretty confident, but I think I’m going into overload.
My most pressing questions?
When’s lunch and how long do I get. I might go sit in front of the courthouse and bask in the sun for a bit. Walk around and find all the subway entrances and do all the things that I can’t do during rush hour.
I miss my old coworkers and my computer set up VERY MUCH right now, but I think by Nov. I might be able to talk them into giving me at least a bigger screen…if you can see in the photo, that blob of light is my monitor…yeah I know!! other than that, some extra desk space would be nice, as I like to have a lot of storage space.
Other than those small things (lol) I love it here so far!
sayTaïna 