Life Definitions: Time

There is never enough time. No time to enjoy being a kid, no time to enjoy college, no time to say goodbye properly to your loved ones.

Never enough time to grieve…

I have come up with so many euphemisms to avoid saying that word: DEAD

There is no warmth in that word, no hope…it is so much more than just a four letter word…it is the end of a life that meant many things to many people. It is the reminder that nothing in this world is certain, except for it.

It amazes me that we don’t capitalize it. There’s God and there’s Death. Some might believe one is just a part of the other…and I get that, I do. But on those days when He places his death mask on and does the rounds, I can’t help but wonder where my loved ones fall on his To Do list.

And these thoughts make me so sad…

My grandparents are dead. It feels like it will never get any easier to say that.

Life Definitions: One Year Later

My dad and I when I was 6

And I can’t stop thinking of my dad. If he has food to eat, a place to live…if he’s okay.

I haven’t heard from him for months and while I try not to talk about it or show that it bothers me, it scares me like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s amazing how much I care for a man whose face I can’t even picture in my head. No matter what I say about him, he still makes up half of who I am. And I love him for that alone.

And on today of all days, the thought that he might not be okay hits home harder than you can imagine.

No one can even find him…I’m used to him falling off the face of the earth every once in a while, but he’s been very good about keeping in contact with me for the last six years.

I need to know that he’s okay…

Life Definitions: The Wedding Dress, The Wii and Everything Inbetween!

We found it! The dress, so now basically, the wedding planning is half done! lol…

Next up, my Maid of Honor dress. Lord I hope fuchsia looks good on me because that’s my color, people…fuchsia. When I tell you that I love my cousin, just remember that color and you’ll be able to imagine just how deep that love goes.

And on that note, my Wii (did I tell you I got one?) workouts have been fantastic. I can feel the difference its making in my life. I will look fantastic in August.

I also have a secret, but I won’t tell until I know for sure that its something I’m going to seriously do. I will keep you posted on those developments in the next month or so.

Now, about my Wii…

Super Mario Bros, the second best selling vide...
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It is fantastic, wonderful, amazing and RED! I got the Super Mario Brothers with it, and although I am ashamed to admit that I died 4 times before I got to the second world, I have improved! What I need is someone to come and help me play…I’m on the level where the scary music starts to play…idk about all that…so I called it a day right then and there.

I also have Just Dance 2 (JD2) and the MJ Experience (MJE), oh and Wii Sports (WiiS). JD2 is what I’m using to burn some calories. They have this awesome sweat mode that allows you to keep track of how much “sweat” you’re losing and gives you goals to reach each day. I’m now on 1000 a day.

And I’m proud to say, that I went from age 80 to 37 in a week on WiiS. I love the tennis mode and am even thinking about learning in RL. I’m definitely going to give myself the sport pack if no one else does.

Misc:

Work is good, home is good, life is getting better by the minute. I finally said goodbye to a chapter in my life that has caused me pain for some time now. I’m not truly %100 committed to giving it up though. I feel one really good convincing conversation is all it will take to get me right back where I was, but I want to move on so badly! Hopefully, the person will respect my wishes and keep his distance…he doesn’t have a great track record for doing that.

But at least I made that first step, which has led to my little secret that I hope will turn out to be great news in the near future.

Life Definitions: I’m a Maid of Honor Bitches!

Ok, so I hoped it was coming, but had truly given up on the idea that…wait, wait, wait…let me start from the beginning.

My cousin became engaged a few years back, and just this past year, she decided that she was ready to start planning her wedding. Of course, her cousins jumped at the opportunity to finally get this woman out of her mama’s house and into her own home (that and we’ve been itching for a wedding!)

The topic of the Bridal Party came about one train ride and I took for granted that I would be the maid of honor. Conceited, that I am…but to my surprise, it wasn’t a done deal. She didn’t know! How could you not know? (Did I mention I’m conceited?)

Anyway, this was back in July/August…

Last Saturday, October 23, 2010, I went out to dinner with her, her finance and the cousins and friends. To Carmine’s. And at the end of a wonderful dinner, she says, “there’s a reason we asked you to dinner. We have some news.”

Being who I am, I immediately thought, “Oh God, she’s pregnant.”

She started to take flowers from her bag and hand it out to everyone and when she came to me she gave me the prettiest bouquet of purple flowers…and a beautiful card with our picture on it and a message asking if I would be her maid of honor…

I gotta tell you, if being proposed to feels half as great as being asked to be the maid of honor…I can see the appeal of getting married a million times! Of course I said yes, and of course I teared up…I’m a sucker for sentimental moments.

And that’s my story. I will take a picture of the flowers and card later. This also means that there will be a lot of wedding related posts.

Life Definitions: I got a new computer at work!

When I tell you I am grinning from ear to ear…I’m not exaggerating. I really am.

I’ve been at this job for 3 months now. When I first started, I had the tiniest monitor you could imagine. Suffice it to say, Titi was not happy. But I made do, I learned to not see the fact that I had books propping up to a decent level (not eye level, mind you, but decent). I learned not to notice that some of the web pages just overflowed when looking at them on the screen. I ignored the slowness and the freezing and all the other horrendous things that was happening to me because my computer was from 1998.

But then yesterday, Joe, our IT guy, says he will install my NEW COMPUTER tomorrow at noon. Well…I just about fainted right there by his desk.

So today, I came to work and decided I wouldn’t even think about, just in case it didn’t happen. I went out to lunch with the development team and when I came back, I noticed that there was something off about my desk.

My monitor was taking up more space!!!

Well, I flipped out, I pulled every employee I could find to show them the glorious, beautiful, wide screen of my computer.

sigh

I would write more, but I must go play work….

Before
After

Life Definitions: My Mom

I can’t remember what year it was but I do remember knowing that she would appreciate this. Mommy would be happy that I did this. I wanted to show her that I loved her.

So I took out the sheets that we used to cover the portion of the carpet we slept on. First the cushion foam on the bottom, then the threadbare blue blanket, the sheet, two pillows and the final sheet to use as a cover. Afterward, I laid her slippers at the bottom of our makeshift bed. Then I waited. She would be coming home soon.

At the sound of the key in the lock, I run to hug her hello. Tell her that I love her and give her a big hug around her knees. I notice the tired lines around her eyes and mouth. I can see how hard she is trying to hold on to her smile for her baby girl.

I grab her hand into my much smaller one and gently tug her to the bedroom. I want to show her what her big girl can do. I want her to see how I got the order of the sheets right, I want her to see how I fluffed the pillows.  I want her to sit on the much higher bed next to ours while I help her take her shoes off and slip on her slippers. While she changes out of her home attendant uniform I rush to the kitchen and take out the glass of water I had placed in the fridge earlier.

She is pleased. Her smile holds itself a little better, a little wider, she hugs me again and I can see a watery reflection of myself when I look in her eyes. I’ve done good.

Happy birthday Mommy…

Life Definitions: I’m Going to Haiti

The fulfillment of this goal is bittersweet to me. It makes me question why I even put on the list in the first place.

My grandmother is dead, the country is in shambles and here I go…barely able to speak fluent Creole anymore and an aversion to hot sunlight…I’m going to fit right in ::eye roll::

I wish this trip was under different circumstances, I wish I could go and have my memory of my country match the reality. But sadly that can’t happen now and I’m afraid I will be hugely disappointed.

On a different note, I might see my father. And even now I wonder whether I should send word that I will be coming…I’m told he’s a good man. But that doesn’t make me feel any more excited to see him.

We shall see.

Life Definitions: My Grandma

Two years ago I sat down and tried to explain how much my grandfather meant to me. Two years ago, I had my entire future to look forward to…and then he died, and my grandmother had a stroke.

Now, two years later, she’s dying…

I’ve only ever known my maternal grandparents, which is fitting, since I barely know my father. When she is gone, I will have to go to Haiti.

The thought of my home country shouldn’t create a knot in my stomach, but it does. Haiti means my grandmother is gone, it means my dad is within reach, it means a complete 180 from what I know now.

I don’t want to go to Haiti, I don’t want to see my father and I certainly don’t want my grandma dead.

Edit: While writing this post, my grandmother passed away.

Life Definitions: The Fall

As September quickly approaches I find myself thinking about the last two Septembers.

There are many people who tell me I should let it go, that not doing so is morbid and unhealthy. I say to those people, until you stand in my shoes and live in my skin, you have no idea what is healthy or not for me. It is not something I actively keep alive. It is a thought that will not go away, a seed that was planted and although the physical remains are gone, that scar in my soul is still fresh.

I don’t know whether its my religion that keeps me from forgetting or maybe its just the guilt of knowing that things could have been so different. Whatever the reason, Autumn and September especially, signify a sad time in my life. This month tests my strength and my will to live life, to love it and embrace it for what it is worth. How apropos that the Fall should symbolize my own.

All I can do is pray and keep hoping that with time and over time it will get easier to live and appreciate all that I have gained, or at least kept, because of my decisions.

September has always been such a lonely month for me. This is yet another chance to change that. I will do my best.

Life Definitions: My First Day At Work

At work

So today is my first day at work. I just got in at 9AM sharp! Not bad for me…after sitting and talking to my new boss, I was brought around and introduced to everyone…AAAHHHH. (It wasn’t so bad)

I have filled out my paperwork (mostly) and am officially an employee. All I have to do now is figure out how to do my work.

I have no idea where to start. The person who had my position previously was, let’s face it, amazing! She left me a binder with all the information I will need to not die a horrible painful death my first week here.  Other than that, I have a brief view of what is upcoming in terms of events. I should be feeling pretty confident, but I think I’m going into overload.

My most pressing questions?

When’s lunch and how long do I get. I might go sit in front of the courthouse and bask in the sun for a bit. Walk around and find all the subway entrances and do all the things that I can’t do during rush hour.

I miss my old coworkers and my computer set up VERY MUCH right now, but I think by Nov. I might be able to talk them into giving me at least a bigger screen…if you can see in the photo, that blob of light is my monitor…yeah I know!! other than that, some extra desk space would be nice, as I like to have a lot of storage space.

Other than those small things (lol) I love it here so far!

I’ll keep you posted!